I woke up with a sore throat and I took a covid test just to make sure. It may be early (if I do have covid) because it was negative. I took some vitamin C, a shot of lemon juice, and some cold and flu medicine. I don’t know if any of those things could help my congestion or not, but I will try them. Currently, I am feeling like I don’t want to be here. It could be that I am feeling a bit annoyed. It’s also a possibility that it may be my period.
I wish I understood my hormones better, but I don’t and some months are better than others, I feel sluggish, uninterested, annoyed, and really just blah. I feel like I am just waiting for the night to come so that I can go back to sleep. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. I am in one of those moods where I need to make a change because I hate how I feel. In the past, I’ve cut or dyed my hair, but my hair is short and I am really eager for it to grow again. I am not liking how it looks anymore and I miss it being long.
This blog is probably going to be boring and sound like I am just whining, but hey fuck it. Right?! How else will I make use of this space? Maybe tomorrow I will be happier with just being able to still wake up. Back when I was younger I would write about my day. It was really important for me to not forget details. I wanted to remember them forever and then one day someone did something that broke my heart and made me feel ashamed of myself. So, then I stopped. I began to write again when I was married and I was experiencing abuse. I wasn’t aware of all the types in which abuse could happen to someone. So I would write and reread my entries to try and understand how a fight or argument began and whose fault was it.
Anyways, thanks to writing I was able to understand that I needed to leave that situation and never look back. There is so much in those journals that I would like to share what is in them one day. Maybe I’ll write a few entries here. Maybe one day someone might see this and understand that it’s better to leave and be alone than with someone that doesn’t care for you.
Anyway, my hormones are making me all depressive and shit. I will stop here. Until tomorrow or the next day.
-CP
Cristina Paynes 