Been feeling a bit off. Have not been exercising the way I would like to. I went hard for about three days (from Sunday to Tuesday) and then I woke up one day and felt blah. Been feeling blah since then and it’s now Friday. I may have already stated this in my last two posts, but this is the space I’d like to come and vent on a daily basis.
It seems like I am still learning how to do that. I’ve noticed that I have been holding in to what I feel for quite some time and every day it shows up as anxiety. I would like to believe that I know how to express myself very loudly, but I haven’t. There are many things that I am not okay with, but I have learned to normalize and live with them for the past 12yrs. I can’t fully disclose what those things are because I am afraid of the consequences. I haven’t killed anyone or anything so life-changing like that. If anything, I haven’t done much. I haven’t been living the life I think I should. There are a lot of reasons why that is, but the main one is I don’t have the money to do it.
I’ve been fantasizing about a sunny warm day, where the moment I wake up, I don’t hear the city. I am in a room filled with windows that face the ocean, but I am above it, like some homes I’ve seen in Greece. Where people live on a hill or mountain overseeing the ocean and it’s bright, filled with that feeling of excitement to want to roam the town. Fall in love with the architecture, the sounds, the people, the simpleness of it all. The feeling of not being known. Where everything is new. Where not one soul knows who you are and you can’t wait to get to know them. Observe them. Watch them live life. I’d like to sit back somewhere sipping on some coffee and watch them just be. While in the background the sound of the rest of the town continues to live on. Where there are no sounds of an annoying train bell going off every 10-15 min.
I am beginning to believe that I am getting old because the idea of living in a suburb seems gratifying. Being far away from my neighbor in my own space to do what I please. Of course within the HOA regulations. Because we can’t escape all the rules and regulations of just being ALIVE. Ever. I truly hope that when people die, they find and feel inner peace. I think death should be peaceful for the person experiencing it.
Death in real-time sucks though… Do you know what I am talking about?
Like the death of all your dreams and hopes. The death of all your excitement. Did you know that I’ve come to hate the word “excited” or “excitement” – When my husband asks me, “are you excited about …” my soul just rejects that question. It feels wrong. It feels like I don’t know what that feels like anymore. I have not felt excited in a very long time and that makes me so sad. I don’t know if I am feeling this way because I am a hormonal woman. But regardless, the feelings are very true to my mind and body, at this precise moment. Tomorrow will be a new day with a new hormonal revolution inside of me and I hope it doesn’t end in a war.
Hopefully, I will come back and write some more, but until then I leave you with the above drama in my head. Hope you have a great Friday/Weekend. Ttyl
-CP
Cristina Paynes 