I was awakened by my alarm at 7am and before that, I was having a dream that left me missing a person I couldn’t name at some point without feeling like I was sinking into a black hole.
In this dream, he was innocent, without malice. I didn’t know he lived in an apartment complex I had just moved into. My mom and aunt were there visiting my new spot. I was alone. No husband, no children. The apartment looked more like a hotel room. There were high ceilings and elevators on many floors. I don’t know the details of my apartment, but my mom’s curiosity took her to roam the halls and I followed. The wallpaper was old, and the furniture was like old Victorian homes.
I was mesmerized by how beautiful and cheap my new spot was. There was a room right next to the emergency doorway and its door was wide open. My mom and aunt walked in to see what that room looked like and I ran up to them to try and get them out. I just thought, “these women just don’t care, what if someone is there”. And there was!
As I walked in, my mom and aunt realized there was a man sleeping in the bed. I motioned them to get out, I panicked, and felt worried he may wake up and see us. My mom had this smile on her face as if she had caught him red-handed. I looked and it was HIM. I froze. I felt my stomach drop. I tried to walk out but saw my mom go into his closet. She started saying he had taken a pot with food once and never returned it so wanted to know if he still had it.
As my mom was going through some bags he woke up and saw us in his room. I tried to be courteous and apologize tried to explain the door was open and we had thought the room was empty. He smiled and said it was okay. He looked at me with kind eyes. Asked how I was as he got out of bed and grabbed a shirt to put on. I turned to see my mom getting out of the closet and I told her to stop! This wasn’t her room and she needed to get out.
He smiled and asked her how she had been. My aunt was just standing there holding her hands smiling. She seems a bit off. Like she was in another world. My mom said she was fine and wanted to know about her “pozole” pot. He chuckled a little and responded, “you know how many times I’ve moved since then? I have no clue where it is, but for sure ask my stepmother.” This whole time I just stood there. Frozen.
He asked what I was doing in his apartment. I explained how the door was open and I followed my mother inside. He asked, “but why are you in this building, this is where I live.” I stood there feeling scared. I didn’t know if to tell him I had just moved down the hall. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there anymore. A lot of thoughts crossed my head at that moment. Then mom blurts, “OH! It’s funny you ask. She is your new neighbor.”
I felt dread, anguish, fear, and then love. I felt love. I realized at that moment I had a love for that individual that had never left me. I started to feel my eyes fill with tears as he came closer and said, “I am so happy we get to be neighbors and get to know each other.” At that moment I realized he knew nothing of what he had done. As if he had forgotten about it all.
I immediately felt fear for me, my children… My children, I thought. I had no children. This was a past that never happened. In my dream, I had known him but never went through what I did with him. He was single, paying 2k on a room, and had no idea of what he had done to me in another life! I knew of that life, but not my mother, aunt, or him.
He looked my way and said, “I hope you and I can go to dinner sometime and get to know each other, for real this time”.
I was holding back tears and had mixed emotions. Because I knew of our past life, our children, and my current husband and how much I loved MY HUSBAND! A husband I began to miss so much because he didn’t exist in my dream life. In that life, he didn’t have a clue who I was even if I’d found him. My children, oh how that realization hurt. They too are not born yet. Not in that dream life. My babies were not born yet. I felt so much grief for them.
I didn’t know what to say, so I stood there smiling and shook my head yes. Walked away as my mom told him she was happy to see him again and to take good care of himself and ME… since I was his new neighbor. I cried my way back to my apartment. I couldn’t tell my mom what was wrong with me, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I could hear my mom saying how handsome he was and how she knew this time I should go on a date with him.
Somehow in my dream, my mind was this current one. The life I knew was this current life, but not there. I knew of all I have now, but in my dream, I was in the past I never lived. It felt too real and so devastating to know my current life didn’t exist and that it would never. I woke up feeling empty, but then so grateful that I do have my children and my husband.
I used to say that if I ever traveled to the past, I’d like to have my current mind and knowledge follow me. This dream determined I was BS-ing. I never want to go back in time to relive my life. Once upon a time, I thought It would be a better one. This is my best life. Honestly, struggles and all, I wouldn’t be ME if it weren’t for the past I had with him and all the lessons I’ve learned in the process of getting here. I would have also not known how good my current life is if I had not gone through hell. So, if I could say thank you, to him, I’d thank him for teaching me lessons I didn’t know I needed, to understand what true love and appreciation really feel like. I love my family.
Be grateful. You never know what you have until it’s gone. – CP
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