I’ve been ignoring my inner voice for a while. The thing about your inner voice is that if you don’t listen to it or interact with it, it kinda goes away. I suppose you still hear yourself inside your head, but it’s talking to you as you think. It’s like you talk to yourself but there is not the feeling of the inner you talking to you. This is so hard to explain.

I used to be able to sit with myself and daydream. My inner voice would tell me stories. It gave me visions of what I imagined life could be. I could also find myself in the middle, listening to myself. As if there were two other me’s within me. These “me’s” would allow me to have an inner dialogue when I’d find myself struggling with decisions. So, they helped weigh the options almost every time.

So, today I took time to eat in silence. Truly sit there with my self as I ate my eggs and rice. I found myself listening to myself asking myself, “what are you eating?” and also hearing myself saying, “eggs and rice”. And YES, it sounds like I am a crazy person, but bear with me. I now find myself not being able to listen to myself as often as I should. I am not sure where my head is, of course not physically, but mentally.

Silence is a funny thing. Not a lot of us can find it, heck it doesn’t even exist where I live. But sitting in silence with just you, your mind and your thoughts can be stressing at times. I’ve been thinking that if I sit in silence I may get to listening to myself again. I want to start doing this and hopefully I find my voices again. Hoping to find me again.

Honestly, back when I would be able to hear myself I felt purposeful. Now I just hope there is a purpose and a reason for all of it. If only things mattered as much as when I was still hopeful and filled with those visions and inner dialogue, maybe I would be able to visualize it and create again.

Now, and for quite some time, I feel like I’m just living day by day and going along with whatever that day has to offer. At some point that was serving a point to allow myself feel the stress of the future coming upon us. It also allowed me to be patient and not feel FOMO. But now, the kids are all grown. I can start living for me. I can begin on all those paused goals. Now, they don’t seem as important or alive as they once were.

I don’t know if I like that feeling. The desire to want and go after a goal is missing.

Now, sleeping feels much more promising. Going out being around people drains me. I have to force myself to do the things that I once said fulfilled me. Now, it just feels like I am here. It’s like am waiting for something that deep down I know will never come. Yet, I have no idea what it is.

I want to accomplish greater things in my life. I want more than what I have already accomplished. I don’t want to be complacent. I used to write when I was younger. I have to thank my aunt Tey who gifted me my first Diary. I used to write about the dumbest daily nothings that I soon needed another one. I then used a planner to write summaries of my day. I was obsessed with telling my story to these sheets of paper because I didn’t want to forget the moments. Moments that later would haunt me and I started to slowly ship away from writing. BUT, I want to start again. Reason’s why I have this website. To write.

I used to live in a world that had pink sunsets and three moons. Now I live within the worlds societal norms. I don’t like whoever made this world. It is filled with idiots fighting for power. Idiots fighting for “perfection” that will never be there. I am so tired of the politics of humanity and its “norms”.

But I know that no matter what, even if there is a fire, I will always have my inner self. I just have to wake them up. Let’s start our own little revolution and fuck some shit up!

Xoxo

-CP